The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
