just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
