I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
