My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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