If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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