Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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