Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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