I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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