Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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