If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
