made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
