i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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