So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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