Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
