Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
