How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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