i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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