New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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