Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize