I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
