new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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