shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize