I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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