she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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