I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
