I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize