Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
