yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
there was a trapeze. enough said
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
