i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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