based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
