that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
farters have to be the big spoon...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
