first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
