How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
