he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
