Cold hands, warm shart.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
