he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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