we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
