I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
