her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
