There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
