hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't want my vagina anymore.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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