In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize