I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
