Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
