I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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