I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
