i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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