There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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