I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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