I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize