I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
