Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize