Girls should come with a carfax report
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
