I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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