i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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