Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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