he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
