JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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