I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
