I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
