Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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