my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
