Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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