We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We need to get me chipped asap
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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