Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
