He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
