I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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